There is always some time in life (even multiple times in life) where you wish you could get a second chance. Maybe it was a conversation you had with someone, the chance to see someone again, the chance to just do that thing you said no to, etc. I’m not saying you regret the choice you made, but you wish you could have another chance to see if that moment or situation would play out the same way or be different and have a new outcome.
Thinking back, I could come up with various times but I think back to one in particular. There was a time where I met an awesome person. We got to build an amazing friendship. What happened??? Life happened and things happened and egos happened and pride happened. It was a whole combination of things that happened That created a distance and divide.
Not sure how it all came to happen but anger took over me. It was a combination of anger, fear, uncertainty, not feeling like I was in control of my thoughts or feelings, my pride, my ego, and guess what that combination lead me to........self-sabotage. I have concluded that I do this often. When things seem too good to be true or I am disappointed by something, I just do. I have no excuse. I own that.
I do this because I build walls to protect myself. I have been disappointed so many times that I do what I can to protect my heart. My greatest joy has been loving people. My greatest disappointment has been loving people. Lol. It is such a twisted thing but that is my opinion. I’ve become an expert at staying in my comfort zone and not stepping out when that fear kicks in. I conform to my bubble and do not want to let anyone into my personal space except those in my circle.
So, what happened you ask? Well, time went by and that person and I did not speak. They tried to reach out but I rejected the chance. After much thought and a battle internally, I decided anger, stubbornness, pride and everything else needed to take a backseat so I could see if this could possibly be the right time. I finally reached out to the person myself. It was one of the hardest things I had done because that meant retracting everything I had said, did and hoped I could keep holding on to.
By the grace of God, that person was open to talking through things and really didn’t question me and why I acted how I did. There was no interrogation on any of my actions. I got the opposite of what I assumed was going to happen. The person accepted me then and accepts me now. I guess the crazier part to me is that I reached out and am terrified on a daily basis. I’m terrified of being hurt, of being disappointed, of not being enough, of not being what this person expects. But I’m learning. I’m learning to be confident in me and the relationship that could potentially be built. I’m trying my best to trust the process and stay positive. It is a daily struggle but a struggle I am willing to take right now.
Is the risk worth it? I don’t have a clue but the potential that is there is worth finding out. Have a been positive the whole time since this whole thing started again? Nope. Have I been open to receive what this can bring? Not completely. Have I tried to sabotage it? Yep. I sure have had my moments but as soon as I see that I’m doing it, I have a little pep talk with myself.
Trust me, I don’t have a clue what will happen but I am truly going to give this a shot and see if for once I can get out of my own way. I have my support system that I rely on when I’m going through things like this to tell me I need to act right. At the same time, I know not everyone will support my choice and that is ok. I just pray those close to me respect it. We live this life once and I would be crazy not to see if this could potentially be the piece that was missing so my smile could be brighter.
If the chance arises for you, please, don’t say no right away. Weigh out your options. Think of what potentials are held in this one decision and choice. Don’t hold back and just go for it. Prepare yourself that you might fall flat on your face. But it isn‘t about how you fall. It’s about how you get back up that matters the most as well as who is there to help you.
-LDA
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