Everyone loves differently. Everyone falls in love at different times. Some of us fall in love a few times while others have that one true love of their life. I can only speak for myself on this subject.
I can say I’ve been in love, in lust, head over heels and also the dream. To me these are all different. I will start with my head over heels one because it just seems simpler.
The head over heels one {sigh}. This feeling was different from the rest because I really liked him. I liked so many things about him and we had a good time when we were together. He made me feel safe, secure that I had his attention and he did little things for me to know he liked me. I remember feeling a sense of peace around him but I couldn’t see a future with him. As if he was the present and that was it. My head told me he had everything I was looking for but my heart still felt a void. Now that may have been a combination of me not being 100% happy with me as well as being too young to understand what my true needs were. But I know he wasn’t my “destiny” because we are not together, but hey, thanks for the memories.
Disclaimer- the following is not for Younger readers under the age of 20 I say- please do not follow my example!
Now that I’ve said my disclaimer I can say- Ohhhhhh in lust! This man came along when I felt very insecure even though I hid it well. To me he was a very good looking man. I felt like my heart skipped a beat every time I saw him. I had never been so forward with a man before in my life. I don’t know if it was fear or what, but it would take him a while to make the first move and I didn’t care. I was always ready, 5 steps ahead. He made my day brighter just by being around. I say I was in lust because it was like an insatiable thirst. It took a little bit but finally we went for it. 😮🤐. I will leave that there. It went on for 2 years. The worst thing about lust is that you convince yourself you’re in love with the person. There were so many broken promises, tears and heartbreak.
When that ended, it felt like it ended me. I was so depressed. What I realize now that I did not realize at the time is that I was depressed because I became a woman in lust. I knew nothing else. I forgot who I was, what I liked, what I disliked. I disrespected myself just to be with him. I allowed things and did things I never thought I would do. From it all, I learned a lot when I took time to reflect.
It it took me a good 5-6 years to finally step back out there and meet new people. In the 5-6 years, I surrounded myself with people who firmly believed in the word. I was baptized and lived in peace and was happy. I was secure in myself, in who I was, I was getting to know me again and it felt great. I still carrying a lot of that with me. I don‘t ever want to feel how I felt after my “in lust” period.
I got a little off topic. Sorry about that. But now to talk about the dream. Hahaha. I have to laugh to because this man is a dream to me. He has been my blessing during my hardest moments. He’s been a friend for so long. Our friendship is so important to me that no matter if he is pretty good looking, it will always be a friendship. He’s one of the best men I’ve actually met. He’s had his hardships but always comes out on top. He’s an amazing dad and a great son and friend amongst other things. Most of us have an impossible in our lives, someone we wish we could be with but then again we know we can’t. You would just like to see where things go. Well yes, he is that for me but his friendship means so much more.
Last but not least, we have the love of my life. People that know me very well, think they know but don’t understand it. This was a friendship that turned into more then what it should have. But I don’t regret it for anything in the world. With him I learned how to love in many different ways. If you’ve ever listened to Musiq Souldchild’s song called Half Crazy, then you know my story. Lol. That’s how it started. And with time, as the years passed, the next thing I knew I was in love.
I thought about him all the time. Couldn’t help but smile when I saw him, even though I tried not to. I was so comfortable around him. I had butterflies when I was with him though. I went out out of my way to make sure he was good, to make sure he was ok. I fell in love and it what a ride it was. I have so many memories. I can remember specific things he said, the way he looked at me, the stupid things we did and it all brings a smile to my face. Being in love is like listening to your favorite song on repeat or seeing your favorite team win the game. You feel like you’re on the highest cloud. Every time something happened he was the first person I wanted to tell.
He is the love of my life because I will never, ever love someone as much as I have loved him. I remind myself that we are now 2 different people then we were when we met. The person I loved then isn’t the same person now. We have grown in very different directions. He has his life and I have mine.
There memories I have with these 4 special men will always give me a lot to smile about. I know I was blessed to have to a each one cross my path. Each one has left their own individual mark on my heart and soul.
Now I ask you; have you been in love, in lust, and if so how many times?
“First best is falling in love. Second best is being in love. Least best is falling out of love. But any of it is better than never having been in love.”
—Maya Angelou
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