Sometimes you do not realize the funk you are in. You live each day with no care and you are just going through the motions. When you are just going through the motions, you don’t realize you are not living.
I knew for a long time that is what I was doing. I did not realize until about 8 months ago that this was me. I was missing out on so many things and not living my life. I covered it up so freaking well though. I was still a star employee at work but at home I was not. I would come home and just want to sleep and eat. This had been my way of life for a long time. I would get invited to go places and I would either not go, force myself to go or show up late. I was making this my life.
In May I was invited to a bridal shower. I had to look For something to wear for that day. When I went through my closet and pulled out all my “dressy” shirts, I realized something: NOTHING FIT! I felt like the Hulk in every other outfit I put on. My stagnant way of life had finally caught up to me. It caught up to me in pounds!
I was at my heaviest weight of 250 pounds! I was out of breath. Going up a flight of steps was painful and exhausting. I tried dieting. If I ate something once that I had denied myself, it felt like the weight came back double what I had lost. Didn’t work. I tried walking more. The more I walked, the more it hurt. I felt lost. The worst part was that I felt like I couldn’t figure out how to get out of the hole I created for myself.
I finally decided it was time. Woah! When I tell you some people gave me backlash for my decision........ they really didn’t. My family and friends were nothing but supportive every step of the way. The decision I was about to make was going to alter my life in ways I am still discovering. I decided it was time to have bariatric surgery!
I would lie if I said I was not terrified. I went to the first class in June 2019 and was freaked out. They told me I would need to eat like a baby! I was starting myself all over. After spending weeks tormenting myself, I figured out something extremely important that I did not realize. My brain and my stomach were not communicating. I felt like I had a black hole at times. No matter how much I ate, I never felt full. I would only finally make the connection when I was stuffed to the point of being sick. I would do nothing but snack and eat all day.
Many people have this stereotype that weight loss surgery is the easy way out. Let me explain this really quick! IT IS NOT THE EASY WAY OUT! Weight loss surgery is just as hard as going to the gym, working out and eating healthy! You know why? Because that becomes the new way of life if you want to be successful with the surgery! The surgery helps you jump start that weight loss. It is like a reset button on your health. At least that’s what it was for me.
So through the months of going to class, carious specialist visits, blood work and different tests, I ended up gaining 5 lbs. So there I was at 255lbs. My heaviest weight ever. It may not sound like much but I am only 5 ft tall. That is a ridiculous BMI.
Finally the day came. On December 13th, the journey started. I had to start my preop diet. So that was all water, protein shakes and veggies. For someone who doesn’t like veggies, this diet was the worst! When it came time for my surgery on 12/26, I had lost about 12 lbs. Last thing I remember was counting backwards and I was gone.
When I woke up, barely alert, they asked me my name and said we are taking you to your room And you will have to walk in on your own. I was hardly coherent enough to understand what was about to happen. I was wheeled to my room and the next thing I know is a nurse helping me stand up, me holding on to the IV pole and walking with excruciating pain to my hospital bed. My sister was there waiting for me and later my parents came. I could barely keep my eyes open.
The next bit of wonderful news was that I would have to get up and walk to get the gas bubbles out. That was the most painful part of the process. I walked up and down the halls and would then go rest. Then I would do it again. All I could have was sips of water, broth and popsicles. It was so hard to actually take in the fluids. I was not hungry and didn’t want anything.
For the next 2 weeks I knew I was going to be on liquids only! It was rough because I wasn’t physically hungry but my mind would play tricks on me. Lile I said, I wasn’t physically hungry but I was angry I couldn’t eat. It was like someone took away my only comfort in the world. Almost like I had lost a friend. If I saw people eating around me, I would get so pissed off inside because I couldn’t do it. The emotions I felt after surgery were so new that I didn’t know how to even express it. I just knew I was angry.
I can gladly say I am a little over a month post op. At the current moment I am down a total of 33 lbs and still dropping slowly. This is a new way of life for me. I eat for survival not for sport anymore so it is a whole change in mindset. I have my good days and my bad days but in the end I know I made the best decision for me. If I needed to, I would do it all over again regardless of how much pain I dealt with at the time.
Just remember, if you feel yourself too comfortable and in a funk, make yourself uncomfortable. Push yourself to get out of that funk and keep pushing. If you get in a funk and no one is pushing you out of it, then you need a better circle of people around you! The people in your circle should push you to be better and want better for you! If you can’t find support within those who know you best, it may be time to find new people for your support system!
LDA
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