See. Now let me just start by saying that you know you are on the right track when you keep running into road blocks, stumbling blocks. I had this whole thing written and I lost it all. Let’s try this again.
I have felt defeated. I have been at my lowest and I have been miserable. When you feel like this what do you do? How do you come out of it to move forward. I can only tell you that for me, there were signs everywhere. Call it the universe or call it God, but He was talking to me. I have never heard actual words, but he had used things to show me what path I should take. Sounds crazy to some but this is my perspective. I started seeing different things on tv, social media, when I was out and about with motivational speakers talking about fixing yourself. I would listen and then ignore it. This wasn’t something I searched for. It would just pop up on my timelines.
At this point I felt I was at my lowest like I mentioned before. I just did not feel I was loveable. I let the demons inside turn my thoughts into a reality. I was overweight, tired and so unhappy. I had no energy and never wanted to do anything. The demons inside came from years of words thrown at me from other people. I internalized the negative people projected at me. I accepted the negative and stored it all like fat. I finally started listening to the voice that mattered the most. That was God. I finally listened and read His words. He created me. He uniquely made me. God wanted me here. There is no other person that can be me. I am His daughter and I am loveable. I am worthy of good things in life. I just stood in my own way.
Finally one day, I decided I was done. I didn’t want to keep living the way I was. I was tired of feeling tired. This hit me in May of 2019. I knew I needed to change one thing, at least one, in order for me to see what else I could do. In June of 2019, I scheduled an appointment with a bariatric surgeon. I was scared to tell anyone at first. When I finally told my family, I was taken back by their support. They knew losing weight wasn’t something I would be able to do successfully on my own. Many may think this was the easy way out but I will correct anyone to say this has been a brutal process. It took months of classes, medical exams, a psychological evaluation to make sure I was ready and an internal acceptance that I wasn’t taking the easy road.
The easy road would have been to stay stuck where I was and not start on this new journey. Finally in December of 2019 it was time. I had to do a preop diet but I survived. When I woke up from surgery, it was the worst feeling. I felt lost and confused. They wheeled me to my room and told me I had to walk to my new bed. I had just woken up from surgery and I was out of it and these people asked me to walk 10 ft. Were they crazy? The answer is yes. Did I do it? The answer is I had no choice. 😂.
I struggled the first day and regretted my decision because of all the pain I was in. The first week was tough. It seemed to get easier as I went on. Over the first month, 20 pounds were gone. As I continued, the weight loss got slower but that a that was normal. I was eating regular food. Now came the challenge. I had to truly put to use what I learned. Here I am today- started at 255 pounds and am now at 201. Yes!
This is a life long journey. It has been a Life changing experience in so many ways. The relationships that are real have sustained themselves. The ones that were superficial are non-existent. Stronger bonds have been built as I realize who is truly there for me throughout my process of growth. I have learned to love myself and am still learning on a daily basis. I have always known, somewhere deep in there, that I was amazing. It is now that I embrace that. I embrace the woman I am becoming and will continue to evolve into. The change doesn’t happen in milestones. If you are truly wanting to make adjustments in life, those changes to be better are constant.
I am learning that I don’t want to be like the people I admire but I want to have the knowledge they have about growing myself and always wanting to be a better me! That is the goal these days. I want to always strive to be a better me, a better mom, a better daughter, sister, and friend. I am not here to just live the rat race of life but make my creator proud by being productive and showing people what we were created to do. I will continue to find my purpose so I can make Him proud. I want to show people love and show them that embracing you and working on yourself is vital.
Search within yourself and fight those demons. Find help if you need to, but a new journey begins when you decide to put up the good fight and try to just be better than you were yesterday. I leave you with this picture from my walk as a symbol that there is always a chance for something new come a new horizon!
LDA